IELTS essay written by student: Should children be encouraged to cooperate?

Some people think that a sense of competition should be encouraged in children. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more successful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Essay written by student

Nowadays, there are some arguments about the correct way of teaching children in order to become a useful adult. Some parents and teachers think that a sense of competition should be motivated. However, some people believe that children should be taught to work together with other people. In this essay, I will analyze both sides of this topic further before reaching at a conclusion.

A competition between children especially in academic curriculum makes them to work harder in order to achieve their goals. They will study hard to keep up with their peers. As a result, they will achieve a good result in academic subjects and successfully enter the prestigious university for their further studies. Once they have graduated from universities, they can apply for a better job with their qualification gained. As a result, they can earn a lucrative salary if they have a better job. Therefore, a sense of competition in children is a key factor to help them to success in their future.

Therefore, a sense of competition in children is a key factor that could propel them to success in their future.

On the other hand, cooperation is necessary in the lives of children because it moulds them into a useful adult. They are able to learn from their friends when they are working together as a team. When co-operating, they will recognize the weakness and strength of themselves along with their friends. As a result, they will gradually improve the skills such as how to communicate with other people effectively and how to manage the time when they grow up. Thus, teaching children to be a part of a team is beneficial for their future.

As a result, they will gradually improve the skills. For example, they will learn how to communicate effectively with other people and how to manage their time when they grow up.

It is very important to teach children in order to become team players; however, it is also crucial for them to be able to compete and win in their life. In my opinion, children should be taught to co-operate with other children in order to become a useful person. When they grow up, they need to work with other people more often than compete with them unless they are a professional sportsman.

Analysis

This is a good essay but the conclusion is not very strong.

There are some contradictions in the last paragraph. The first sentence states that it is essential to co-operate as well as compete. The next two statements contradict the first statement and says that co-operation is more important.
There are also some grammar mistakes in this essay. But the student manages to discuss both sides of the argument.