Crime rate among teenagers is on the rise: Essays written by students with suggested corrections

The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries.    Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

Essay written by student

Over the last decade there has been a massive rise in the level of crime committed by teenagers in a numbers of countries.  It is important to establish why this has happened and to look at ways to solve the problem.

Corrections

No problems with this paragraph.

One reason is the break down in the nuclear family.  The high divorce rates have meant many children have been brought up in one-parent (1) families with no father to act as a role model which is detrimental to their development.  This is particularly important for boys, (2) who without this guidance are easily led astray by bad influences such as drugs and crime.  Another factor is the lack of things to do for the young. (3)  For example, in the UK, many television programs about this issue have shown that teenagers hang around in the evenings with little to do.  When this happens, the boredom means they will find their own entertainment, which is often crime. (4)

1. ‘Single-parent’ would have been a better option.

There are no major problems with the second sentence, but it contains too many clauses. One or two can, in fact, be reduced to phrases.

Due to the high divorce rates many children are brought up in single-parent families with no father to act as a role model and this can be detrimental to their development. 

2. Remove the comma. Only a non-identifying relative clause can be separated by a comma.

3. This sentence needs to be rewritten.

Another factor is the dearth / lack of enjoyable activities for the young. OR Another factor is boredom. Many teenagers have few things to do.

4. When this happens, they will find their own entertainment which could be crime.

OR

When this happens, they will try to find their own entertainment. Some might even turn to crime.

OR

Boredom can prompt them to find their own entertainment which in some cases could be crime.

There are, however, ways to tackle these problems.  Firstly, the government should provide more support for families.  They could, for instance, invest more into building and staffing youth centers which would provide guidance through the youth workers and also enable teenagers to focus their attention on sport and other activities.   Parents should also be encouraged to take more responsibility for their children.  Ultimately, the onus is on them to ensure their children are brought up in a loving environment which would make them less likely to turn to crime.  They could, for example, find a male relative to act as a role model.

Therefore, it is clear that there are various reasons for this rise in crime, but solutions are available.  If we begin to tackle the issue now, we may be able to prevent the situation declining further.

Analysis

This is a very good essay. The student has good grasp of the topic and presents his/her arguments convincingly. There are no structural mistakes in this essay. The use of vocabulary is good. There are very few grammar mistakes. Should have no difficulty getting Band 8 or above.