Children’s leisurely activities must be educational

Task

Children’s leisurely activities must be educational. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Sample response

Here is an essay submitted by one of our students. It has some mistakes. Corrected version of this essay is given below.

band 8 sample essay

Corrected essay

It is sometimes thought that we are often too devoted to “educating” our children that we forget to ask: what do they want to learn?

Remarks

I suggest you remove questions from your essay. They aren’t considered appropriate.

You could have written:

It is sometimes thought that we are often too devoted to “educating” our children that we forget to ask them what they want to learn.

In the pursuit of educating children, to prepare them for the obscure future, some believe that even children’s leisure activities must be educational. I wish to differ! (‘I beg to differ’ is the standard expression or you can write: ‘I’m afraid, I don’t agree with that idea’) I believe that it is best to incorporate education to our children’s life without compromising their talents or stressing them out.

Remarks

Incorporate should be followed by the preposition ‘into’ or ‘in’.

Write:

I believe that it is best to incorporate education into our children’s lives without compromising their talents or stressing them out.

At a young age children tend to be curious, and they are usually open to trying new things. It is through such curiosity that they are able to find their innate talents; hence they are able to excel in their future career. According to Tony Buzan, a renowned researcher, a rigid educational framework restricts human intelligence and hampers our children from realizing their true potential.

Moreover, adopting a fully educational lifestyle, as per today’s definition of education, can be overwhelming for children. In fact, Sir Robinson, a leading thinker in the field of education, associates the rising number of children diagnosed with ADHD, which is the inability to concentrate for relatively short (write: long) durations, to the ineffective educational system adopted by today’s parents and institutions. Moreover, studies show that children concentration time span (write: children’s attention span; that is the standard expression; I couldn’t quite figure out a way to use the word concentration in that sentence.) can be prolonged by playing games that require attention to minute details such as Call of Duty, which they find enjoyable rather than educational.

In my opinion, education should be incorporated to (write: into) children’s chosen lifestyle in lieu of devoting their whole life for it. That said, it is essential to include efficient and suitable educational platforms in every person’s life in order to understand what our life is all about.

In short, education should be treated as a mean (write: a means; both the singular and the plural of ‘means’ take –s) for a good life and not as an end by itself (write: an end in itself). Hence, we need to allow our children to enjoy their lives and explore their innate talents, in which they want to be educated.

Analysis

This is an excellent essay. The response is imaginative and addresses the task. The style of writing is also good. Overall, this seems to be a band 8 essay to me.

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