Band 8 IELTS essay sample: children should be taught the importance of money

Task

Some people believe that children should be taught the importance of money. Do you agree or disagree?

Here is a sample response.

This is a good essay. There are, however, some mistakes. Here is the corrected version of this essay.

Nowadays, money has become more important than ever. In a world where resources are diminishing and competition amongst the workforce is intensifying, earning money is getting harder by the day. Hence, one should be able to manage money wisely to control expenses as much as possible. In order to acquire money management skills, one must be trained since young (write: since childhood) to be financially responsible individual (write: a financially responsible individual).
Remarks
There are not many grammar mistakes in the opening paragraph, but it is too long. Your introduction should have just 2 or 3 sentences. Also when the prompt asks ‘do you agree or disagree’, you have to state your opinion in the opening paragraph. This is very important.
So, you could have written something like this.

Nowadays, money has become more important than ever. In a world where resources are diminishing and competition amongst the workforce is intensifying, earning money is getting harder by the day. Hence I believe that children should be taught the importance of money. However, our methods have to be appropriate for their age.

There are many benefits of teaching children about money management. First of all, when a child realizes the value of money, he is likely to develop skills and habits that would make them (write: him) great money savers (write: a great money saver).
In addition to being good with money, awareness about the value of money will help a child to be successful in every aspect of his life. Since he is likely to be financially stable, he will also have a stable family. Thus, the consequences of learning about money management have astounding effects on a child’s future.

Remarks
The words consequences and effects mean more or less the same.
You can write:

Thus good money management skills can have astounding effects on a child’s future.

However, emphasizing upon money beyond limits (write: too much emphasis on money) would cause a child to be stressed all the time. Due to being subjected to continuous stress, a child would be more susceptible to depression.
Remarks
Avoid phrases like ‘due to being’. ‘Due to’ should be followed by a noun. ‘Because of’ is a much better alternative because at least some people believe that ‘due to’ cannot go at the beginning of a sentence.
You can rewrite your sentence as:

However, too much emphasis on money will cause a child to be stressed all the time. And stress can make the child more susceptible to depression.

Also, it may alter a child’s definitions to the extent that he may consider making (remove this) money as the only measure of success.
Remarks

You can write:

Also, it may alter a child’s definitions to the extent that he will consider the size of the wallet as the only measure of success.

In conclusion, it is of paramount importance that a child learns about the significance of money in life. However, we ought not to forget that a child may not have the full capacity to grasp the impact of money on our lives. Therefore, our methods to do so (remove this) should be appropriate for our children.
Analysis
This is a good essay. There are some grammar mistakes.
You have to make some changes to the structure. When they ask ‘do you agree or disagree?’ you have to state your opinion in the introduction. You have to state it in the conclusion as well.
Overall, this seems to be a band 8 essay.